Broken From the Start…?

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Broken From The Start©

 As I watch the story unfold

On the screen I wonder to myself

What it must feel like

To be loved so completely by one man

 

Willing to wait years

If need be a lifetime of days

Just to be in my presence

And hear my voice again

 

I hear sweet words spoken

I hear the right words being shared

But somehow they miss the target

They don’t seem to penetrate the walls of my heart

 

Am I even capable of that degree of passion

Am I too much of a dreamer

Too lofty are my thoughts

Or am I too connected with a reality named unforgiveness

Are my expectations too high

Too unrealistic for him to achieve

No matter how wide his arm reaches…

His love never reaches beyond the cuff link on his sleeve

Am I too wounded, too broken

Am Shattered in too many pieces for love to heal my heart

Maybe I could never feel his love

Cause I was broken from the start

photo compliments of http://www.inspirationforthespirit.com

Come on ladies! I know I am not the only woman in the world who has watched a love story on television and found herself coveting the relationship depicted on the screen.  This writing began as a result of a fictitious romance on the Hallmark Channel.  I was dissolved into tears by the time the end credits rolled, and my husband, who was ‘watching it with me’, had dozed off once or twice.  This truly started out as an emotional response to the movie, but as I wrote something else began to pour out of my heart; Something that eerily sounded like an ancient, well hidden truth.  Not the truth that I started out writing. You know the truth I’m talking about. The truth that was slanted and only seen clearly through my eyes; the one that said that my husbands lack of …was the reason I experienced periods of loneliness or of disconnectedness, or discontent in my marriage.  The truth that said that whatever I was lacking as a woman was his fault. And that if he would just love me better or more, that all my feelings of inadequacy and emptiness would disappear. You know, girls…that truth. Well that truth didn’t appear on the page as the words flowed out of my emotionally exposed heart. But the real truth did.  The real truth said that I was broken before my sweetie ever came on the scene. It told me that my unloved and disconnected feelings dated back long before my husband, and as such the current state of my heart-life wasn’t his fault.  The truth that said that in order to find the reasoning behind my heart-life issues I had to go back …before my parents, my family, before the kids at school.  I had to go back before the beginning…back to when it was just me and God.  Back to Jeremiah 1:5 when God told the young Jeremiah that he had known him longer than his own mother.  Back to Psalm 139:13 when David said to the Lord that he had made all the delicate, inner parts of his body and knit him together in his mother’s womb. The psalmist goes on to say “You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Yep. I had to go allllll the way back there. When I met God in that place…the place where I was knit…I found comfort there.  The knowledge that God knew me then, before my insecurities, and my issues and my stuff was almost more than I could handle.  Not only did he know me before sin did, but he knew me before I was acquainted with sin.  And still knowing that sin and I would one day become friends, he loved me all the more. And let me tell you, this was no ordinary love.  It wasn’t the love I had just witnessed on the screen that had opened the door for coveting and jealousy in my heart. But it was the kind of love that would cause him to send his only Son into a fallen world before that world was ever framed, to come down through 42 generations, to be cloaked in flesh and to live , bleed, suffer and die for me! It’s an even greater love than that! Because God exists outside of time he sees things from an eternal point of view.  So when he says he knew me before…he means he knew me before! He knew the day of my birth, the day sin and I would meet before I did.  He knew my childhood anger, and lying tongue before I did. He knew my fear, my lust, my shame…my pride.  He knew it all…and still he gave his All for me. What a love! The prophet Isaiah spoke to the lengths that this Love went to for me long before Love was ever wrapped in flesh.  “But he was pierced for [my] rebellion, crushed for [my] sins. He was beaten so [I]could be whole. He was whipped so [I] could be healed. “ Isaiah 53:5 NLT.  Jesus said himself  thatThere is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” To be loved like that! All other loves pale miserably by comparison…I had silently searched for years for this love.  I had worked hard for it and still felt empty. When my silence didn’t gain it I talked, I served, I prayed, I cried, and yes, I raged. All for a love that was mine before time.  Remember what David said? God knit us together in utter seclusion.  Do you know how much time and attention it takes to knit a scarf, let alone a human being.  Wow! So I wasn’t a rush job.  He took time with me.  He paid attention to every detail. The love that I had longed for had been mine all along.  He had whispered it to me a long time ago as he knit me together. His love for me is seen in every part of me.

You mean the love that I had longed for had been mine all along. He had whispered it to me a long time ago as he knit me together. His love for me is seen in every part of me; in the color of my eyes, the size of my nose, the thickness/thinness of my eyebrows, the measurements of my body parts, the size of my feet,…the darkness of my skin.

It all displays His love and acceptance of the workmanship of His own hands.

I had forgotten the whispered ‘I love you’ with every movement of his hands as he massaged my heart and caused it to beat. I had forgotten that he was broken so I wouldn’t be.  But now I remember.  Do you believe that he did the same for you?  I have learned that knowing what his word says and BELIEVING what it says are two different things. Let’s read the whole passage of Psalm 139:1-18,23-24,  and commit to not just knowing intellectually what’s written, but to knowing and believing with all of our hearts what it says.  Let’s read this aloud together.

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body  and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up, you are still with me!

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

WOW WOW WOW !!!!!

I wonder if when David penned this he was aware on some level that the depth of his relationship with God would speak to the hearts of God’s people for untold generations. I look at my self…2008…not my ideal weight, height, shape…conditioned by a culture that works hard everyday to find fault with the Lord’s creations, and to convince us that the way He made us still leaves a lot to be desired…I look at myself, and I find a million and one things wrong with me…at least based on the worlds standards. Then I look to Him, and I realize that my life-long search for love, acceptance, and admiration was realized before I was ever born. God did His part. Then He paused and said that the work of His hands was good. But the adversary, the devil, came to kill my faith, steal my confidence in God, and destroy the comfort I found in the knowledge that I am created in the image of God, and that I have been made right with Him through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ. Did you hear that, girls? If this applies to me it applies to you also. All of us “are made in His image and formed in His likeness” (Genesis 1:26-27 NLV)

Still not convinced? You know when we’re shopping, and we see something that says handmade or made my hand? We take extra note of those items, because their very label tells us that time and care went into the creation of them. Well Ladies, let’s start taking special note of ourselves, because time and care went into the creation of us. We were not haphazardly thrown together, but were shaped and formed by the hands of a loving God. And look at his attention to detail! I see it whenever I look at you. It’s in the sparkle in your eyes, and the smile on your face right now as you let this truth settle in your heart. Don’t you feel like praising Him?! Let’s give Him the same praise that King David did all those years ago: “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it!” 

It is my prayer that this poem and these scripture passages bring you as much joy and peace as they’ve brought me.  Let me share with you that this was originally written in November of 2008, and a lot has changed in me since then… I no longer watch ‘love stories’.  There’s no need… Who needs to watch them when you can live everyday within the pages of the greatest Love story ever told? The love we have can never be accurately or adequately depicted by script nor screen. What was that?  You haven’t experienced this love yet??? Well, what are you waiting for????? Go on!! I dare you… Choose today to fall in love with Jesus…He’s already given his life to save yours 😀

And if this post has blessed you, won’t you share it with a friend… I know it was long, but your heart thanks you for taking the time to read it 😀

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