Early in our marriage I had an eye-opening, heart changing experience that I want to share with you. We had guests over for dinner, and although I can’t remember the details of our conversation, there is one part of it that I will never forget. That would be when the young man in response to something said, replied, “That’s OK, because we all know who wears the pants in this family.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And my heart dropped, because I knew immediately that he was not talking about my husband! I desperately searched to discover what had I done…what was I doing… that would cause other men to look at my husband as less than a man of honor? Now, I understand that we live in a day and time where to hear that said is a compliment to some women… but I wasn’t one of them. Those words sliced right through me!!!! They cut through my strong personality, quick-witted, take charge exterior…and they broke my heart! What was so bad about those words? Why would they cause me so much distress? Very simply, I was devastated to hear those words, not just because of wat they said about me, but because of what they depicted about him…my love…my sweetie…
As terrible as it was to hear that, it was one of the best things that could have happened (Isn’t God amazing?!?!?! He knows EVERYTHING!) Those words, spoken very casually as if that was normal and acceptable, were the beginning of an end for me. Let me explain…
While most women don’t view being perceived as a non-submissive wife to be a bad ting, I believe that would change drastically if we looked at the word very intently…which I did…and I DID NOT like what I saw at all. Let’s take a journey through a brief word study, shall we? The words below are all words that can be accurately used to describe a wife or a woman who submits to Gods authority (for the single woman), and the authority of her husband.
The definition of Submission;
to submit – the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person
• archaic humility;
submission to authority
yielding (relinquish, bequeath, give up te struggle)
Bequeath (pass down or on to, entrust to)
docility (Latin dociles, from docere meaning to ‘teach’, apt or willing to learn)
Now, these are not words that we are particularly fond of. Their imagery is one of weakness, and who wants to be viewed as weak? But as much as we may not like these words, I have a feeling we will be dismayed at the next list. While the words above are all used to define or explain submission, the next group of words is used to define a lack of submission. We will focus on just a couple of words from above (the ones in bold) looking at antonyms 😀
to submit; yielding (relinquish, bequeath, give up te struggle), Bequeath (pass down or on to, entrust to),
docility (Latin dociles, from docere meaning to ‘teach’, apt or willing to learn)
The following words can accurately be used to describe a woman/a wife who refuses/resists submitting to God and her husband;
out of control
Whoa!!! That’s a lot of strong, descriptive words!!! Now lets pick a couple from both lists and compare.
A woman who submits to her husband’s authority as instructed to by God’s Word (1 Peter 3:1-2) is viewed as meek (quiet and gentle), compliant, docile (apt or willing to learn), and subservient. On the contrary, a woman who refuses to, or is resistant to the very idea of submitting, she is unfavorably viewed as recalcitrant, uncooperative, intractable, obstreperous, truculent, insubordinate, defiant, rebellious, willful, wayward, headstrong, self-willed, contrary, perverse, difficult. Now, you tell me what Christ loving woman wants to be seen as any of the above words?
So, when my heart should have been set on honoring God, and my husband and demonstrating a willingness to submit to both, my heart had actually been trained to pose as a good wife but silently resist and defy authority. While my husband thought he was marrying a gentle, quiet young woman, and a wife who was willing to learn, he had actually married a woman who was unruly, unmanageable, disorderly, undisciplined, uncontrollable, rowdy, disruptive, mutinous, riotous, out of control, turbulent….and she didn’t even know it! But other people could see it, which was why that heart slicing observational comment was made about me wearing the pants in the family…
Praise god my story doesn’t end there!!!! And neither does yours!!! While there is no honor for an unruly woman, God’s word says there is praise and honor for the virtuous one! Do not fear…The God we serve is faithful!
“And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them.I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.” Ezekiel 11:18-20
Did you get that? When we choose to truly turn our hearts back to God He will;
1. give us singleness of heart
2. put a new spirit within us
3. take away our stony, stubborn heart
4. give us a tender, responsive heart
Why will He do this!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
SO THAT WE CAN SUBMIT TO (OBEY) HIS DECREES AND REGULATIONS
Ladies, I have seen God first hand do exactly what he said he would do in me…and if you are feeling trapped in this horrible cycle than I want to encourage you that he can do the same thing for you. Don’t forget, I am sharing my story this week, but your turn is coming. I want to hear from you. Has your heart been changed? Let us know and take advantage of an opportunity to encourage others with your story! Join us tomorrow for the next video blog! Have a good night and I’ll see you tomorrow
Is a woman who hyphenates her last name (keeping both her maiden and married name) not submitting fully to her husband?
This is a question I saw recently on Facebook, as well as the comment I posted in response. I wanted to share this with all of you in hopes of getting your feedback.The question itself was genuine, and not meant in a negative way. A new bride was sincerely asking for the opinions of those she knows. The slew of comments that followed were, in some cases, heartbreaking. They lead me to do a little research into the ‘new’ movement where husbands are taking on the last names of their wives as opposed to the wives taking on the last name of her husband. Read both the question and the comment I posted in response… Out of the 26 responses to this question, mine was completely ignored by all except the writer of the original question… So, what are your thoughts, and what Bible verses/principles/cultural depictions of the people of God do you use to support your view?
“I have not read the other comments…so no offense intended if there is any…when we choose to BECOME ONE with a man, we are doing just that…becoming ONE…in order for that to work we both must die to our own selfish ambition and become a different person…a blending of the two…part of that for Eve is the taking on of her husband’s name and what that represents (wo+man=woman)… what it communicates to the world around us. It communicates that we are women who are under authority and consider it a blessing to be covered in life by first, the Lord, then by our earthly fathers whose name we bear until our marriage, and again that covering and protection and provision is passed to our husbands, and is signified by the taking of their name. (1Peter 3, Ephesians 5) It is a sign of honor and respect as well as encouragement and edification to our husbands. It demonstrates love and trust. That said, it is anti-feminist and is another aspect of marriage where we (Christian women) tend to take on the mindset of the world and follow their cultural trends rather than the culture designed by the Word. But it’s minor..no big deal…just a hyphen…but the – communicates the opposite of what our marriages as believers are supposed to communicate to the world we live in. It doesn’t communicate unity or oneness or sacrifice, it communicates division, and a reluctance to really take on our husbands name and hang on to our own is communicating that Eve is still alive and well. We (women) are the greatest influencers in the lives of our husbands and our children, and everything we do will either communicate our obedience and submission to God, or our rebellion and disobedience to Him. So does God’s word explicitly tell us not o use a – in our names when married? No, but it does tell us to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord. Have we taken on Christ’s name? Do we hyphenate it so that we can maintain our independence/identity with our old sinful nature and our new nature? Do we even think about these ‘minor’ issues in light of our marriage relationships mirroring our relationship with Christ? And if we still can’t come to an understanding, it’s always a great ides to ask our husbands how it would make them feel, really, and what it communicates about our hearts for them. Some women hold on to their last name because they have children prior to marriage or from a previous marriage and don’t want their kids to not have the shared identity of their last name…. I understand these cases as well, but we have to understand that the relationship between a man and his wife is the ONLY relationship on earth that is called to represent the relationship that Christ has with his bride…it is to supercede all others…
This is the post. What feedback do you have? Agree. Disagree. I would really like to know 😀 And what about men taking on the last name of their wives???? Have you even heard of that? I truly look forward to hearing from you!
As I think about the kind of people
That we want our children to grow and become
I am dismayed by the state of the world
The lack of compassion for the elderly demonstrated by some
More than having diapers changed, and midnight feedings,
More than being bathed, dressed and nursing at my breast,
More than homework, laundry, having their tears dried.
More than…the list is too long to compress
What happens when OUR hair turns gray?
What happens when it’s OUR shaky hands they have to hold?
What happens when OUR vision fades?
What happens when those who served the young grow old?
One day they will be the ones taking care of you.
One day they will be in charge of getting you dressed and tying your shoes.
One day they will wash behind your ears.
One day they will provide your care, in just a few years….
As I think about the kind of people
We want our children to grow up and become
I am dismayed by the state of the world
The lack of compassion for the elderly demonstrated by some…
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:7-9
This post is inspired by a recent post from a ‘friend’ on Facebook. After the first post, I was struck by the number of posts that began this way by many women who are considered to be believers, but who display a lack of focus on God, and an overwhelming absorption with the things of the world. It’s troubling to see so many people consumed with negative events, negative thoughts, and negative people, who, after all of this negative consumption have no apparent idea why they are so miserable. Life is FULL of things/events that have the capacity to impact us in whatever way we choose to let them. The most heartbreaking thing was that a lot of these posts had to do with negative comments about men, whether a boyfriend, a husband or an ex… After reading the multiple status updates, I thought it might just be a good idea for us to take a look at some of the negative/positive ways we can choose to let LIFE impact our marriages and our thoughts about our husbands.
First, let’s establish the premise that every day begins as a good day. We wake up, we are alive, we breathe, we move, we see a day that we have never seen before. EVERY day is a brand new start, a FREE do-over. With each new day, each new breath, we are reminded of the great Love that the Lord has for us.
“It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
Tell me, what events or issues are so powerful that they can take your mind off of the new mercy received just by waking up in the morning? How would you finish the above statement? What or who have you given power over your mood?
I was having a good day until…what? Who?
Let’s look at a few examples I’ve seen/heard recently from wives;
I was having a good day until/I was fine until/I was perfectly fine until/…..
he ignored me…
he did what I specifically told him not to do…
he didn’t do what I specifically told him to do…
he wouldn’t admit that I was right and he was wrong…
he walked into the room…
he came to bed before I had a chance to fall asleep…
he forgot …
These thoughts usually progress into or are followed by:
I wish he were more like…
why can’t he be more…
why can’t he do more…
why isn’t he …
oh, what’s the use…
just forget it…
By choosing to focus on or to only look at the negative things our husbands are doing, or the positive things they are not doing, we are actually choosing to give those thoughts control over our mood/attitude, and those thoughts will dictate how we interact with and respond to our husbands. If we are having a good day until one of these thoughts about our husbands comes across our minds, and it’s downhill from there, we need to accept the fact that our husbands lack of’ ‘whatever’, or their inadequacies are not the problem; our thoughts toward them are. It’s not what they are/are not doing that stresses us out and makes us want to scream, throw things at their heads, run out of the room screaming and pulling our hair out, ‘share’ everything that’s wrong with them with anyone who will listen…cry ourselves to sleep at night, or just give up. It’s not them or the things they do, but it’s us and how we choose to let it impact us and the response we choose to give. Have we tried to apply Phillipians 4:7-9 to this area of our marriages? Let’s take a look at what it says, and the actual application.
“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
What does it mean to fix your thoughts? Take the words below and substitute ALL of them for the word FIX and read the beginning of this verse again.
fasten, attach, affix, secure, join, connect, couple, link, install, implant, embed, stick, glue, pin, nail, screw, bolt, clamp, clip, lodge, burned,branded. focus, direct, level, point, train your thoughts on what is…horrible about your husband or lacking, or weak in appearance or void of honor or undeserving of respect? NO!!
fasten, attach, affix, secure, join, connect, couple, link, install, implant, embed, stick, glue, pin, nail, screw, bolt, clamp, clip, lodge, burned,branded. focus, direct, level, point, train your thoughts on what IS true about your husband…what IS honorable about your husband…what IS right about him…what IS lovely about him…what IS worthy of admiration…what IS excellent and worthy of praise!! GLUE them there!!! Embed your thoughts about him right ther!!! Pin them! Nail them! Screw and bolt them down in this place!!! Brand them…TRAIN (aim, point, direct, level, focus; zero in) them…
Is everything about him true? Nope! Is everything about him honorable? Maybe not! Is everything about him right? Not Likely! Is everything about him lovely and worthy of admiration? Is everything excellent and worthy of praise??? Is an answer really needed? But Scripture does NOT tell us to think on the things that are NOT these characteristics or attributes…it tells us to think on those things that are!!!!
Ladies, do we realize how important what we choose to think about or focus on is to the success of our marriage? Do we realize that our refusal to apply Philippians 4 to the MOST IMPORTANT relationship in our lives has devastating, catastrophic impact on our ability to be the helper that our husbands need and deserve? Do we understand that our stubborn grip on all of his imperfections and shortcomings, coupled with a choice to blame him for our thoughts and take no responsibility for them ourselves, literally paralyzes our marriages and freezes our interactions until we become roommates…just two people who share the bills and responsibility, but have forsaken the joy and love and peace and comfort that was ours by right….Do we realize that by choosing to focus on what/who they are not, we are choosing to ignore what/who they are, and even more importantly , what/who they could become with our love, support and help????
How are you choosing to think about or look at your husband? Does he impact your mood negatively? Does the sight of him just ruin your day? Are you fine until he comes around? Do you still see him as the man you loved and chose to spend the rest of your life with? Or has the world and all of its poisonous fruit tainted your vision so that he just looks…ordinary and no longer good enough for you? Do you withhold affection, intimacy…love…sex…just the pleasure of your smile? I challenge you to begin to look at him through eyes controlled by thoughts that are submitted to the Holy Spirit. Fix your thoughts! Train your mind to think thoughts that are honorable, right, lovely, worthy of admiration, excellent and worthy of praise. And see how your attitude towards him changes! Then see how the change in your attitude and thoughts help him to change. Witness the softening of hearts tht follows the renewing of minds, and the revival of life and love in your marriage. It really does begin with our thoughts…
I will end with a comment I posted in response to a post on Peacefulwife.com. I hope this helps bring all of this together and shows how important our thoughts towards our husbands really are…
….. Let me first of all PRAISE GOD with you for what the Lord has already done in your heart. Our God is sooooo amazing, and He loves us sooooo much that He put a plan in place before the foundations of the world to save us from ourselves!!!!! How absolutely wonderful is that??!?!?!? As I think about the words you shared, let me just tell you that God is pleased at your desire to submit to not only Him and His will, but also to your husband’s authority. I too was raised in a family that was overrun with a ‘jezebel spirit’. And it is more than a small challenge to break free from that heart/mindset. This is a journey that will require the involvement of your whole heart…”And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.” Ezekiel 11:19-20 The ravages of the feminist agenda and the existing feminist culture is that it teaches/trains/disciples us to hold on to that old stony, stubborn heart, and resist Gods loving efforts to give us a tender responsive heart in its place. It’s the tender responsive heart that is now finally able to obey his decrees and regulations…one of which is “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2… Eternally Grateful, I humbly encourage you to continue to allow the Lord to work in your heart…this is SUCH a painful process…and it is SUCH a GLORIOUS one!!! As the Lord continues His work in your heart (you know, that open heart surgery you’ve been going through without the aid of anesthesia so that you feel EVERYTHING to the extent that the things you were brought to your knees over you NEVER want to go back to them again)…as He continues to work on your heart You will find that part of the reason you struggle seeing God in your husband is because your husband can’t see God in himself…you are his mirror…Eve was supposed to be Adams helper…his reminder of all the love God held in his heart towards him…but she lead her husbands heat away from the Lord and now not only did he lose sight of who he was, but she did too…You are his reminder…begin to pray for God to give you his eyes, and when He shows you your husband as he was created to be, and you begin to look at him through Gods eyes, he will begin to look back at you with wonder, and his heart will soften, and his heart will begin to desire to become the man he sees in your eyes…It is NOT easy, and it DOES NOT happen overnight, you have been trained well throughout your life, and the tentacles of feminism run deep…even after things are “better’ you will find undiscovered residue that reappears when you least expect it…but God is faithful to do what He promised!!! (“Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.”) Don’t focus on his mistakes…on where he’s falling short…of what his life in Christ should look like… Keep your eyes fixed on Christ and the beautiful woman he is molding you into…Pray for your husband, pray for your sons, and watch God respond to your faith and trust in Him and Him alone. We are PRAYING for you…PLEASE keep in touch..This is a journey towards joy that we are on together ❤
“Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”