Early in our marriage I had an eye-opening, heart changing experience that I want to share with you. We had guests over for dinner, and although I can’t remember the details of our conversation, there is one part of it that I will never forget. That would be when the young man in response to something said, replied, “That’s OK, because we all know who wears the pants in this family.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And my heart dropped, because I knew immediately that he was not talking about my husband! I desperately searched to discover what had I done…what was I doing… that would cause other men to look at my husband as less than a man of honor? Now, I understand that we live in a day and time where to hear that said is a compliment to some women… but I wasn’t one of them. Those words sliced right through me!!!! They cut through my strong personality, quick-witted, take charge exterior…and they broke my heart! What was so bad about those words? Why would they cause me so much distress? Very simply, I was devastated to hear those words, not just because of wat they said about me, but because of what they depicted about him…my love…my sweetie…
As terrible as it was to hear that, it was one of the best things that could have happened (Isn’t God amazing?!?!?! He knows EVERYTHING!) Those words, spoken very casually as if that was normal and acceptable, were the beginning of an end for me. Let me explain…
While most women don’t view being perceived as a non-submissive wife to be a bad ting, I believe that would change drastically if we looked at the word very intently…which I did…and I DID NOT like what I saw at all. Let’s take a journey through a brief word study, shall we? The words below are all words that can be accurately used to describe a wife or a woman who submits to Gods authority (for the single woman), and the authority of her husband.
The definition of Submission;
to submit – the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person
• archaic humility;
submission to authority
yielding (relinquish, bequeath, give up te struggle)
Bequeath (pass down or on to, entrust to)
docility (Latin dociles, from docere meaning to ‘teach’, apt or willing to learn)
Now, these are not words that we are particularly fond of. Their imagery is one of weakness, and who wants to be viewed as weak? But as much as we may not like these words, I have a feeling we will be dismayed at the next list. While the words above are all used to define or explain submission, the next group of words is used to define a lack of submission. We will focus on just a couple of words from above (the ones in bold) looking at antonyms 😀
to submit; yielding (relinquish, bequeath, give up te struggle), Bequeath (pass down or on to, entrust to),
docility (Latin dociles, from docere meaning to ‘teach’, apt or willing to learn)
The following words can accurately be used to describe a woman/a wife who refuses/resists submitting to God and her husband;
out of control
Whoa!!! That’s a lot of strong, descriptive words!!! Now lets pick a couple from both lists and compare.
A woman who submits to her husband’s authority as instructed to by God’s Word (1 Peter 3:1-2) is viewed as meek (quiet and gentle), compliant, docile (apt or willing to learn), and subservient. On the contrary, a woman who refuses to, or is resistant to the very idea of submitting, she is unfavorably viewed as recalcitrant, uncooperative, intractable, obstreperous, truculent, insubordinate, defiant, rebellious, willful, wayward, headstrong, self-willed, contrary, perverse, difficult. Now, you tell me what Christ loving woman wants to be seen as any of the above words?
So, when my heart should have been set on honoring God, and my husband and demonstrating a willingness to submit to both, my heart had actually been trained to pose as a good wife but silently resist and defy authority. While my husband thought he was marrying a gentle, quiet young woman, and a wife who was willing to learn, he had actually married a woman who was unruly, unmanageable, disorderly, undisciplined, uncontrollable, rowdy, disruptive, mutinous, riotous, out of control, turbulent….and she didn’t even know it! But other people could see it, which was why that heart slicing observational comment was made about me wearing the pants in the family…
Praise god my story doesn’t end there!!!! And neither does yours!!! While there is no honor for an unruly woman, God’s word says there is praise and honor for the virtuous one! Do not fear…The God we serve is faithful!
“And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them.I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.” Ezekiel 11:18-20
Did you get that? When we choose to truly turn our hearts back to God He will;
1. give us singleness of heart
2. put a new spirit within us
3. take away our stony, stubborn heart
4. give us a tender, responsive heart
Why will He do this!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
SO THAT WE CAN SUBMIT TO (OBEY) HIS DECREES AND REGULATIONS
Ladies, I have seen God first hand do exactly what he said he would do in me…and if you are feeling trapped in this horrible cycle than I want to encourage you that he can do the same thing for you. Don’t forget, I am sharing my story this week, but your turn is coming. I want to hear from you. Has your heart been changed? Let us know and take advantage of an opportunity to encourage others with your story! Join us tomorrow for the next video blog! Have a good night and I’ll see you tomorrow
Is a woman who hyphenates her last name (keeping both her maiden and married name) not submitting fully to her husband?
This is a question I saw recently on Facebook, as well as the comment I posted in response. I wanted to share this with all of you in hopes of getting your feedback.The question itself was genuine, and not meant in a negative way. A new bride was sincerely asking for the opinions of those she knows. The slew of comments that followed were, in some cases, heartbreaking. They lead me to do a little research into the ‘new’ movement where husbands are taking on the last names of their wives as opposed to the wives taking on the last name of her husband. Read both the question and the comment I posted in response… Out of the 26 responses to this question, mine was completely ignored by all except the writer of the original question… So, what are your thoughts, and what Bible verses/principles/cultural depictions of the people of God do you use to support your view?
“I have not read the other comments…so no offense intended if there is any…when we choose to BECOME ONE with a man, we are doing just that…becoming ONE…in order for that to work we both must die to our own selfish ambition and become a different person…a blending of the two…part of that for Eve is the taking on of her husband’s name and what that represents (wo+man=woman)… what it communicates to the world around us. It communicates that we are women who are under authority and consider it a blessing to be covered in life by first, the Lord, then by our earthly fathers whose name we bear until our marriage, and again that covering and protection and provision is passed to our husbands, and is signified by the taking of their name. (1Peter 3, Ephesians 5) It is a sign of honor and respect as well as encouragement and edification to our husbands. It demonstrates love and trust. That said, it is anti-feminist and is another aspect of marriage where we (Christian women) tend to take on the mindset of the world and follow their cultural trends rather than the culture designed by the Word. But it’s minor..no big deal…just a hyphen…but the – communicates the opposite of what our marriages as believers are supposed to communicate to the world we live in. It doesn’t communicate unity or oneness or sacrifice, it communicates division, and a reluctance to really take on our husbands name and hang on to our own is communicating that Eve is still alive and well. We (women) are the greatest influencers in the lives of our husbands and our children, and everything we do will either communicate our obedience and submission to God, or our rebellion and disobedience to Him. So does God’s word explicitly tell us not o use a – in our names when married? No, but it does tell us to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord. Have we taken on Christ’s name? Do we hyphenate it so that we can maintain our independence/identity with our old sinful nature and our new nature? Do we even think about these ‘minor’ issues in light of our marriage relationships mirroring our relationship with Christ? And if we still can’t come to an understanding, it’s always a great ides to ask our husbands how it would make them feel, really, and what it communicates about our hearts for them. Some women hold on to their last name because they have children prior to marriage or from a previous marriage and don’t want their kids to not have the shared identity of their last name…. I understand these cases as well, but we have to understand that the relationship between a man and his wife is the ONLY relationship on earth that is called to represent the relationship that Christ has with his bride…it is to supercede all others…
This is the post. What feedback do you have? Agree. Disagree. I would really like to know 😀 And what about men taking on the last name of their wives???? Have you even heard of that? I truly look forward to hearing from you!
The Name-Game:Is a woman who hyphenates her last name not submitting to her husband? A Husband’s Response
Below is a comment that was shared in response to the original post, The Name Game: Is a woman who hyphenates her last name not submitting to her husband? I appreciate Benjamins input GREATLY and wanted to share his words, which communicate very specifically from Gods Word, with all of you. If this is an area of ‘struggle’, please recognize that any time we struggle within ourselves when God’s word is shared, that struggle is a symptom of our rebellious hearts and minds. Read Benjamins comment. Meditate on Gods word. Let it change your heart and mind. Choose to submit.
…. I am thrilled that you decided to start tackling this topic; it is something that has been on my own heart and mind. My thoughts led me to question this as well. I knew that in Spaniard cultures, the hyphenation of the wife’s name was normal (although I do not know the reasoning behind it), which is something that they have been doing for generations. But what does it mean in our own culture? I have pondered this myself, and I think that it goes beyond submission to the husband (as you have rightly pointed out). It goes to the point of not submitting to ANY authority. And why not? Although I love my country, let’s be honest, that is how our country was founded. We failed to submit to God’s authority, and I believe that we are paying for that sin by perpetuating it.
I love the way you worded this: “It doesn’t communicate unity or oneness or sacrifice, it communicates division, and a reluctance to really take on our husbands name and hang on to our own is communicating that Eve is still alive and well.” Now, when I look at the Bible, what I see is instructions and edification for CHRISTIAN COMMUNITIES. Having studied Ephesians recently, I started to notice some things that shed a TON of light for me on Ephesians 5 and 6. This epistle is about family. SPECIFICALLY, it is about how the family of God should look in comparison with those of the world. The language he uses is so blatantly family oriented, and so eternally rooted in Christ. For instance,
(1) We have the Father (1:2-3) and His mighty work in predestining us through the finished work of Christ.
(2) Paul makes it plain that this predestining salvation is by grace alone, while dead in our trespasses (2:1-10).
(3) Paul stresses our exclusion and then grafting into the family of God because while dead in our trespasses as Gentiles we were “alienated from the COMMONWEALTH of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise” (2:12), but now are brought near (2:13).
(4) and create in himself ONE NEW MAN IN PLACE OF TWO, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in ONE BODY (2:15)
(5) Now “we both [Jew and Gentile] have access in one Spirit to the Father…” and are “members of the HOUSEHOLD of God” (2:18-19).
(6)This inclusion of Gentiles was once a “mystery [whereby] the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body” (3:6).
(7) So in the Father “every FAMILY (or all fatherhood in the Greek) in heaven and on earth is named” (3:14-15).
(8) Chapters 4 and 5 seem to bridge much of this material together. WE DO NOT WALK AS THE GENTILES (non-believers) do any longer (4:17) and put off the old self (4:22), but instead we walk wisely (5:15) and put on the new self (4:24).
(9) We are to be imitators of Christ “as BELOVED CHILDREN” (5:1)
So what I see at the end is this: But we are filled with the Spirit (5:18b). We look to Christ as our example (5:1-2), we now walk at children of light (5:8b-21). We live ordered and non-chaotic relationships (5:22-6:9) that are submissive, and how do we now protect that orderly life from the attacks that come from the Enemy (spiritual armor of God; see 6:10-20).
Truly, what women (and men) have been sold is a beautifully packaged bundle of C4 explosive lies. This is what happens to marriages when the armor of God is not put on. Can you imagine hyphenating your last name with Christ? Benjamin Wordly-Christian. Or Benjamin Satanic-Christian. You are so right, Selena, in pointing out that women that take this approach start the marriage in division, much like a marriage with a pre-nup. And men taking women’s last names? That is an issue of a man with a deeply wounded heart; a man living in the passive nature of Adam.
I do not want to say that all live this rebelliously that hyphenate. Sometimes it is not so much a heart problem as an ignorance problem. But what does that say about the leaders of the Church. If the Bible is written for Kingdom Communities, then it is time that we focus on the Church’s understanding of submitting to Christ and let the world see that we live differently, exactly what Ephesians is telling us to do! Let the world be independent, arrogant and full of vain self-worship, and let US stop following their lead.
After reading the comment above, what are your thoughts? What is God saying to your heart? What struggle are you identifying? Have you realized that you “have been sold is a beautifully packaged bundle of C4 explosive lies”? Wherever you find yourself, I would love to hear from you 😀